Shaving My Head

For a few years now, I've been entertaining the idea of shaving my head. I think it all started in my junior year (?) of high school when I jokingly suggested it to my mother. My mother responded by telling me that monks would kidnap me, mistaking me for one of their kind and then dragging me back to their temple. It sounds so silly, and I can hardly imagine my mother truly believing in that, but ever since, I've felt intrigued by the idea. By that time in high school, I've already begun questioning about gender standards and as they are applied to me. The kind of girl who wore loose-fitting t-shirts and shouted "suck my dick" crudely and frequently, I've always garnered comments like, "You are such a man," or "Why aren't you more like a girl?" I usually sport long, long almost waist-length hair and have grown quite comfortable with it, so the idea of shaving my head just squirmed away from me.

Now that I'm college, the idea of shaving my head keeps resurfacing. My friend shaved her head, and I've had conversations with several of my friends that makes me consider it more and more. There are many reasons why girls might want to shave their head: just for the heck of it, their friends are doing it and they think it's cool, it's a politically conscious choice to defy gender norms, or they're doing it because it's suitable to their style and personality. I guess my reasons encompass a little bit of all of those, but more for the sake of wanting to do it for the experience.

I keep saying that I want to shave my head, but a little part of me says that I probably never will. Now, I probably sound like a person who talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk, which I guess is true in this context. But despite my vacillating desires, I keep feeling like the con's would outweigh the pro's. Somethings that I always worry about if I shave my head are that people would think I'm a lesbian by stereotype, and that everyone would see/treat me differently. Even though the whole point of shaving my head would be to liberate myself from gender stereotypes (not to mention the added plus of shaving off time from my showers), I can't help but think about my mother being angry at me when she sees that I've shaved my head. My mother, who's perpetually concerned with the life of my future marriage, is always urging me to be more lady-like and more man-attracting. So, I'm just thinking that if I shaved my head every time my mother looks at me, she would be a little repulsed and a little disappointed. I'm just thinking that every time I go outside on my campus, people who associate lesbian women with shaved heads will think they already know who I am and what I'm like, and that frustrates me. But at the root of all my hesitation, doubts, and fears is just a personal self-reinforcement of gender stereotypes and gender roles within myself that I always claim I deny. I know I should just do it if I want to, or not just say it at all, but these are just some of the thoughts that I've had recently. If I do decide to shave my head, I'll let y'all know for sure!